Bandeirinha

My name is A. I am a forty year old woman living in the US. I have two beautiful kids. I am divorced. And that's my fault.

I got married when I was thirty. It just felt right... Everyone my age was settling down. My friends, my sister, my colleagues at work... I felt it was time. And he was such a nice guy... I've trusted him from the beginning. I still do. And he loved me. He still does...

Everything seemed right. Family get-togethers, holidays with friends and their babies and ours, the house, the car, the cats... I couldn't take it anymore!!! I had it all! Yet, I had never felt complete... I carried on. My own parents are divorced and that still affects me. I didn't want that to my babies. I wish I could've avoided all this... Do I? When I decided to marry, a friend at work told me "be aware of who's around you". I tried to ignore. But those words got stuck in my head ever since. Yes, I was going by the book! No, I was not in love! Dear, what have I done?! What sort of person am I?! What am I teaching my kids? I took my decision and carried everyone around me with it. And everyone seemed to be happy about it. It all seemed so right. The right time. The right guy. The right dress. The right house. The right job. The right lie! And that lie was my life. It still is. Do I regret it? How can I?! My dear wonderful children were born out of it! And, being a lie or not, I lived that lie with honesty and truth. But it didn't feel right anymore. I wasn't happy. I am still not... I feel so lost! So human.

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I've got this anti-depressive tour I take whenever the blues hit me hard. It goes from reading my book facing the river in the Palácio de Cristal gardens and ends up with a stroll through rua da Bandeirinha at sunset. It always works and it has far less secondary effects than Prozac!

A. felt like talking. I sit on my laptop and type, the 10 years Port she offered standing by. I'm sorry I had no time to take her to Bandeirinha...