Compass

Talking to my friend A. who, among other things, is my boss and is over 60, I ended up confessing my discouragement about love. Once again, my good friend was very supportive. He also feels this discouragement. He has two daughters about my age, he worries, he cares.

He told me again the theory of this Indian friend of his. According to him, the problem with Western love is the lack of rules. In India, "marriage is deemed essencial for virtually everyone". Families pay great attention and effort in finding their children a good future. Partners are found among families with similar structures and values and all the arrangements are even made when the spouses are still tiny newborns. It looks efficient. In some cases it is. In some others it isn't. Like everything in life! But, overall, it seems to work.

As an European, I can't even conceive very well in my mind what consequences this sort of social arrangements must have to one's life. What I do conceive and feel intensely is that I am the typical near-30s lonely neurotic western woman, who hangs around with her cool laptop and stylish gay friends, between work meetings and gloomy bars.

If I am happy? Yes, sometimes. As I would be if I had someone to share life with. If I feel sadly solitary? Yes, I do. Specially when I carry my bags home from the supermarket and the elevator doesn't work or when I go on holidays to very exciting unfamiliar places or when I read something really interesting I feel like discussing or when I listen to a great song I love or when I cook or when I go to bed at night... If I would change my life? No, I wouldn't. I keep waiting. Life is the ultimate wait. Right?

Previous love experiences had already proven to me what A. meant with his Indian friend's theory. He couldn't be more right! This new era - the so-called digital one - is a revolutionary one. Nordstrom and Ridderstrale were right when they wrote:"Dinkies rule. As it stands, the family could soon become a luxury item. (...) We consider ourselves to be failures. There is a nagging suspicion that we are aiming unreasonably high. Perhaps there is nothing wrong. We are just different".

But who are "we"? The generation? The Western youth? The world population? And is this transitory? Is it definitive? And if so, what will be of the human species? Is this Nature taking care of reducing the absurd number of human parasites in this beautiful earth? And, if so, what the hell do I have to do with that?! Why the hell do I even think about this at all?!!! Sometimes, I wish I was a snail... :)

Life is difficult. And, in the end, there is really nothing wrong. Because nothing is absolute. And Nordstrom and Ridderstrale are right, yes, under their perspective. And so is India. And A., for worrying. And me for feeling lonely and, despite accepting all this post-modern messy cool single condition of mine, still wishing for my own dysfunctional family. Sometimes I get myself wondering if I already have one?

Rules are good. They help you draw the line and, therefore, keeping on track. Good or bad, knowing your limits is comforting. India's family model sounds interesting. And I would agree with A.'s friend if I had not read Untouchable and did not know about the dark side of the caste system which these arranged marriages help keeping, or if I ignored the gender control made at birth in some regions there. I once knew a happy Indian couple in London who spent a lovely year to split up, as they finished the degree they were there for, because she was promised to another man. She accepted this well. Him, not so much. He was from a lower cast. I don't dare criticizing any of them. There is no such thing as better or worse. There is just different. All equally authentic and valid, happy and successful.

I believe Indian are perfectly fine. As are Christian or Mexicans or Accountants or Cricket Players... Any model or system is interesting because it gives structure. We all need that. It is fundamental for our shaping as social human beings. We need rules and limited categories to live in group and relate to each other. And we all (I believe) do have to live in group, so we better have a couple of handy rules in our pocket all the time, just in case. But once those are assimilated, there's not much to talk about anymore, is there? All systems are good (and bad). And because there are many, there will always be divergences and comparisons. Which, the way I see it, are totally pointless. Arguing about religion, social standards, politics, football or haircuts is stupid. Yet, we need to keep doing it. We need it as we need air to breathe. Me included, I'm no different. Still, I stand more for bearing than for limits. I stand for transparency and consistency, not for models and systems. I stand for content not form. I stand for wide open sea not dark confined walls.

I love being this damn western blogging philosopher I've become out of modern times and solitary togetherness! I like longing for my unexisting accessary lover and my uncertain future dysfunctional family. And I love to praise my current distant beloved and all my good previous boyfriends and my huge family of consanguineous clan, soulmate friends and dear ideological partners. I love caring and respecting them all as I do. I wish they feel the same about me.

Life is difficult and I love it. Like a good old sailor, I stick to my compass, hoping for fair winds and safe harbour.

The Real Folly

Zélia is a woman in her sixties. She walks around the tables outside cafes and asks for cigarettes. Or money (yes, in English too) or a kiss. Some people laugh, some are disgusted by her ragged looks and not so accurate hygiene, some give her money, cigarettes, a nearly empty bottle of wine remaining after lunch... No kisses. Me included.

Another man with a loyal plastic bag in his hand insists, all through the days, in asking people to lend him money for a soup.

There is one who likes to ride the bus. And every once in a while he will stand up and insult every passenger, driver, police officer, cleaning lady, government, etc.

There's the prostitute, who also asks for cigarettes and coffees and curses all the pretty young women wearing fashion clothing. Me included again.

There is also the woman who likes to clean the cars with fallen leaves, very tranquilly, thoroughly...

I know of another who likes to spend his nights in the middle of this huge busy avenue in Lisbon, smiling and waving to the passing cars. I wave him back. He exhales a wide happy smile. I smile him back. I like him. I like his world. Though I do not understand it...

Do we understand anyone's world? Do we understand the world at all? I guess there is no answer to this. Reality doesn't exist. And what we perceive as such is a product of our education, experiences and rules. The majority sets what it is to be true and real. Which majority? There is no such thing! We are all lonely individuals continuously seeking for the so called happiness, a reality that does not exist. Because no reality does. Life is cycle, is passage, is time. Happiness too.

Nothing is absolute. And though we keep establishing imperative values and concepts to guide us (prejudices?) we seem to be constantly questioning them or being questioned by them. We too are time and cycles. And what is true and real one day maybe destroyed forever the next. We understand ourselves as much as we understand life...

Life (death) is the ultimate question. Which makes you sad and ease and happy and confused and angry for being relieved when you should be sad and not happy but confused and so on.

So reality and truth is a choice. Permeable to the endless influences, from a literature masterpiece to a rapid eye contact. And each and every volatile choice is equally valuable and respectable, from the tyrant to the generous. Volatile choices keep the balance of the world. Volatile choices are real. As volatile they don't exist. There is no balance. There is no world...

Do you understand? Do I?

Oh, I am fool! We are all but fools!!!