Compass

Talking to my friend A. who, among other things, is my boss and is over 60, I ended up confessing my discouragement about love. Once again, my good friend was very supportive. He also feels this discouragement. He has two daughters about my age, he worries, he cares.

He told me again the theory of this Indian friend of his. According to him, the problem with Western love is the lack of rules. In India, "marriage is deemed essencial for virtually everyone". Families pay great attention and effort in finding their children a good future. Partners are found among families with similar structures and values and all the arrangements are even made when the spouses are still tiny newborns. It looks efficient. In some cases it is. In some others it isn't. Like everything in life! But, overall, it seems to work.

As an European, I can't even conceive very well in my mind what consequences this sort of social arrangements must have to one's life. What I do conceive and feel intensely is that I am the typical near-30s lonely neurotic western woman, who hangs around with her cool laptop and stylish gay friends, between work meetings and gloomy bars.

If I am happy? Yes, sometimes. As I would be if I had someone to share life with. If I feel sadly solitary? Yes, I do. Specially when I carry my bags home from the supermarket and the elevator doesn't work or when I go on holidays to very exciting unfamiliar places or when I read something really interesting I feel like discussing or when I listen to a great song I love or when I cook or when I go to bed at night... If I would change my life? No, I wouldn't. I keep waiting. Life is the ultimate wait. Right?

Previous love experiences had already proven to me what A. meant with his Indian friend's theory. He couldn't be more right! This new era - the so-called digital one - is a revolutionary one. Nordstrom and Ridderstrale were right when they wrote:"Dinkies rule. As it stands, the family could soon become a luxury item. (...) We consider ourselves to be failures. There is a nagging suspicion that we are aiming unreasonably high. Perhaps there is nothing wrong. We are just different".

But who are "we"? The generation? The Western youth? The world population? And is this transitory? Is it definitive? And if so, what will be of the human species? Is this Nature taking care of reducing the absurd number of human parasites in this beautiful earth? And, if so, what the hell do I have to do with that?! Why the hell do I even think about this at all?!!! Sometimes, I wish I was a snail... :)

Life is difficult. And, in the end, there is really nothing wrong. Because nothing is absolute. And Nordstrom and Ridderstrale are right, yes, under their perspective. And so is India. And A., for worrying. And me for feeling lonely and, despite accepting all this post-modern messy cool single condition of mine, still wishing for my own dysfunctional family. Sometimes I get myself wondering if I already have one?

Rules are good. They help you draw the line and, therefore, keeping on track. Good or bad, knowing your limits is comforting. India's family model sounds interesting. And I would agree with A.'s friend if I had not read Untouchable and did not know about the dark side of the caste system which these arranged marriages help keeping, or if I ignored the gender control made at birth in some regions there. I once knew a happy Indian couple in London who spent a lovely year to split up, as they finished the degree they were there for, because she was promised to another man. She accepted this well. Him, not so much. He was from a lower cast. I don't dare criticizing any of them. There is no such thing as better or worse. There is just different. All equally authentic and valid, happy and successful.

I believe Indian are perfectly fine. As are Christian or Mexicans or Accountants or Cricket Players... Any model or system is interesting because it gives structure. We all need that. It is fundamental for our shaping as social human beings. We need rules and limited categories to live in group and relate to each other. And we all (I believe) do have to live in group, so we better have a couple of handy rules in our pocket all the time, just in case. But once those are assimilated, there's not much to talk about anymore, is there? All systems are good (and bad). And because there are many, there will always be divergences and comparisons. Which, the way I see it, are totally pointless. Arguing about religion, social standards, politics, football or haircuts is stupid. Yet, we need to keep doing it. We need it as we need air to breathe. Me included, I'm no different. Still, I stand more for bearing than for limits. I stand for transparency and consistency, not for models and systems. I stand for content not form. I stand for wide open sea not dark confined walls.

I love being this damn western blogging philosopher I've become out of modern times and solitary togetherness! I like longing for my unexisting accessary lover and my uncertain future dysfunctional family. And I love to praise my current distant beloved and all my good previous boyfriends and my huge family of consanguineous clan, soulmate friends and dear ideological partners. I love caring and respecting them all as I do. I wish they feel the same about me.

Life is difficult and I love it. Like a good old sailor, I stick to my compass, hoping for fair winds and safe harbour.