25 December 2009

Balanço


É hora de balanço.
"Doce balanço, caminho do mar."
Balanço de mulher a andar.
Balanço sólido, sinuoso;
Gingar curvo, majestoso.
Balanço firme, voluptuoso,
Do alto do salto vertiginoso.
Balanço do vento nas saias,
Do ventre a rodopiar.
Balanço dos cabelos nas ondas,
Dos seios nas mãos.
Balanço dos altos e dos baixos,
Dos gordos, dos magros,
Dos bonitos e dos chanfrados.
Balanço desesperado, sossegado.
Balanço da mulher
Do tempo que passou.
Balanço da vida,
Tão doce,
Que ainda falta...

20 December 2009

Sick


Today I'm sick.

I've scratched my eye with the contact lens and it hurts to see. It hurts to see the surface. Because, when I'm sick, there seems to be nothing more but that. And I cry.

We share. We care. Do we? We sweep...

Episode 1: I got an email to which I didn't reply. I got a phone call some days later asking how I was feeling. "Good", I said, "We should go for a coffee."; "Sure, call me. And don't forget to tell me with some days in advance!"; "Right...", I hang up. No, I won't call. I can pretend, though. Love is not easy. Amen!

Episode 2: I walk into a bar. I see some familiar faces. One in particular calls for my attention. It's IB! I look at him. I smile. No reply. We're friends online. Apparently, not offline... The times are changing.

Episode 3: I go to a club. Someone is flirting me. I dance. He's cute. So is everybody else the way I'm wasted!!! We leave. I prefer tea to cute. An sms with an address reaches my mobile... I drink my tea. A few more void messages fade on my cellphone throughout the night. I sleep. Never see cute again. But I still dance and drink tea to avoid hangover!

Episode 4: I live in public. I get feedback. Some I like. Some I don't. Some I'm interested. Some I'm not. InterestingBecomesUninterestingAndViceVersaSoDoI. Got some feedback. Deep meaningful feedback. On the surface. Surfeed backface. Take some medicine drops in my eye and go to sleep.

But my eye still hurts... I keep crying. Crying out loud! Somebody listens. Thank you. I listen to you too. And I get well soon. :)

8 November 2009

Imprisoned

This is the theme of a project I'm currently working at with my performing arts company. The performance will take place in the Faculty of Law's cells, used by students for behaviour experiments among other things, and it is based on three main references: the Zimbardo Experiment, Oscar Wilde's De Profundis and Plato's Allegory of the Cave.

The only real moment of freedom is when one is born. (I need to find out who said this.) All the rest of our lifetime we are physically imprisoned, from our mother's belly to one's own body and mind.

We start our lives being led, either genetically or through education. Experiences immediately start molding our perception of reality as well, but I believe their importance is gradual and it becomes more relevant as we turn into adults and fully assume leadership of our life's course. From the moment we are born, we start shaping a specific reality. "Every little action of the common day makes or unmakes character" (O.Wilde, De Profundis). At first, as I said, it is led (or at least guided) by others. This guidance loses its strength and importance as we grow up and begin appropriating our own choices and their consequences. Still we continue to forge a certain reality which is absolutely true only to ourselves. As Plato showed through he's Allegory of the Cave, there are certain things one will never understand in others by the simple fact of not having any common reference to share. In human interaction, it is common to get deluded, confused, disappointed. Those feelings are just natural defenses we produce to deal with what we do not understand. We are naturally afraid of the unknown. Plus, we might not want to understand. Once your own reality is well established you might actually not want to alter it or disturb its (so hard to achieve) harmony.

We live imprisoned in our own reality. And yet, as everything in life, this is an extremely delicate fact. Our reality only prevails within a certain context to which we are familiar with and, therefore, interact rationally. From the moment our circumstances change dramatically we cease to be able to respond accordingly. We leave rational to become instinctive. We lose the references, the framework in which we rely upon to be who we are. Our personality seems to become residual and one reacts instinctively to the new stimulus, as if not having any previous references or aims.

The Zimbardo Experiment shows how rapidly a group of middle-class, well educated graduate students completely tranformed their behaviour when placed in a totally different context. An experiment planned to last two weeks had to be interrupted after six days, to avoid really serious psychological damage to the volunteer graduates, playing the role of either guards or prisoners, or even to the researchers themselves!

In Murakami's novel, The Wind-Up Bird, Toru Okada, concludes at a certain point that one can live his whole life together with someone knowing "nothing but the most superficial layer of the person". I believe this is not only true to others but, above all, to ourselves. We never do know ourselves absolutely. Let alone, others! Life is a continuous flow of (repeated) novelty and one can only know how to react to each new stimulus when actually facing it, absorbing it as real. Not only we do not know ourselves under unknown circumstances as we do not know ourselves through other people's eyes, for their sole reality is absolutely mysterious to us. Vitangelo Moscarda, Pirandello's hero in Uno, Nessuno e Centomila, desperately seeks his true self within the multiple personas he seems to represent in each one's imagination, to finally realize the only absolute truth relies in not having "any history or past, he is no longer in himself but in everything around and outside of him".

As Oscar Wilde puts it, in De Profundis, this is Humility:

"But while there were times when I rejoiced in the idea that my sufferings were to be endless, I could not bear them to be without meaning. Now I find hidden somewhere away in my nature something that tells me that nothing in the whole world is meaningless, and suffering least of all. That something hidden away in my nature, like a treasure in a field, is Humility.

It is the last thing left in me, and the best: the ultimate discovery at which I have arrived, the starting-point for a fresh development. It has come to me right out of myself, so I know that it has come at the proper time. It could not have come before, nor later. Had any one told me of it, I would have rejected it. Had it been brought to me, I would have refused it. As I found it, I want to keep it. I must do so. It is the one thing that has in it the elements of life, of a new life, Vita Nuova for me. Of all things it is the strangest. One cannot acquire it, except by surrendering everything that one has. It is only when one has lost all things, that one knows that one possesses it.

Now I have realised that it is in me, I see quite clearly what I ought to do; in fact, must do. And when I use such a phrase as that, I need not say that I am not alluding to any external sanction or command. I admit none. I am far more of an individualist than I ever was. Nothing seems to me of the smallest value except what one gets out of oneself. My nature is seeking a fresh mode of self-realisation. That is all I am concerned with. And the first thing that I have got to do is to free myself from any possible bitterness of feeling against the world."

We are the world we live in. We are the people we meet. We are the life as we perceive it. We are imprisoned in our own reality, yes. But we ought to be humble to accept it, understand it and be thankful for it. Only then can we set ourselves free inside our own prisons for "freedom is what you do with what's been done to you" (Jean-Paul Sartre). Only then can we be at peace with ourselves. And contribute to a better world.

Berlin Wall Fall, November 09, 1989

22 October 2009

Solitary Togetherness or Why Human

"We were outside, always outside, like heretics or lepers forbidden to pass the city gates.

Then one night, by agreement, we lit fires at the same hour, and the extent of the light showed us were not alone, as we had thought, but we were numerous, and not only numerous, but inspired, and could both move and speak in the light, and be beautiful..."


H.B. 21 – X - 09

http://grt21421.blogspot.com/

21 October 2009

On writing

I've written all my life.

When a small child I used to write lines pretending they were words. Once I've learnt the alphabet I started reading and writing compulsively. I've always written diaries, short stories, letters, articles for school publications... Writing is part of me as much as speaking is.

The act of writing is crucial to structure my deepest thoughts. Things I might talk superficially with friends around some drinks at a bar are sometimes poured on paper. The same happens when it comes to personal relations. Writing down to someone is absolutely imperative if the realtionship is important to me. I think I've written to every single important person in the different stages my life. What and how I express myself on writing cannot be reproduced live. Not in the same way, at least. And vice versa. Long texts, short messages, poems... All my dear friends, relatives and lovers got a bit of me through letters.

Yet, my writing has changed dramatically in the last years. I probably write more in English than Portuguese and I definitelly type more on my keyboard than use a pen and paper. I get myself only writing on paper to those really important people I meet as a way to celebrate their meaning in my life. For them and for me. As a way of touching them. As a way to caress them. And me. Sadly, this now unusual act becomes more and more difficult. Writing down a letter requires time, patience, inspiration and physical effort. Requires love.

Hectic lives leave little time off to dedicate to others and, therefore, to oneself. I've written a four pages letter to this wonderful woman who I recently met. By the end of this exercize my hand and wrist hurted so much I could not believe it! My middle finger on my write hand, which used to be hard for writing, was now almost injured after some lousy four pages!!!

The metaphor behind it scared me to hell! If I now have little time, little patience, little inspiration and poor physical conditions to write to someone... That must mean I have little love in my life. That means I'm probably living against my own nature. That means I'm desperate to be just a human being - as the animal. That means that I now have to apply extra effort in trying to fill my basic physical and emotional needs, to live in harmony with my nature, with myself!

And what is even more scary is that I am not alone in this...

I predict a riot. Maybe I'll start one myself.

...

20 September 2009

A gift

"And death shall have no dominion.
Dead men naked they shall be one
With the man in the wind and the west moon;
When their bones are picked clean and the clean bones gone,
They shall have stars at elbow and foot;
Though they go mad they shall be sane,
Though they sink through the sea they shall rise again;
Though lovers be lost love shall not;
And death shall have no dominion.
And death shall have no dominion.
Under the windings of the sea
They lying long shall not die windily;
Twisting on racks when sinews give way,
Strapped to a wheel, yet they shall not break;
Faith in their hands shall snap in two,
And the unicorn evils run them through;
Split all ends up they shan't crack;
And death shall have no dominion.
And death shall have no dominion.
No more may gulls cry at their ears
Or waves break loud on the seashores;
Where blew a flower may a flower no more
Lift its head to the blows of the rain;
Though they be mad and dead as nails,
Heads of the characters hammer through daisies;
Break in the sun till the sun breaks down,
And death shall have no dominion."
Dylan Thomas

7 September 2009

Growing old

These last holidays I spent a weekend in Soajo, up on Gerês mountains, visiting a dear friend. As half "soajeiros", my friend lives and works in Paris. The other half is in the US. A very small percentage of the local population actually lives in town. So there I went and was welcomed by all the smells, colours and flavours of Minho intertwined with the typical August messy crowd of emigrants on vacation. As I stepped out of the car, under the burning sun, I bumped into a Virgin Mary in purple! Kids were preparing for the procession. Dressed up into the most extraordinary outfits, running around the church in Pelourinho (the main square). I proceeded the way to my friend's home. After being twice to Soajo, one can easily find the way... Everyone was at the church so, despite of the whole party, everything was quiet around and I could only remotely hear the lovely brown almond-eyed cows lowing. Even the chicken were acting very civilized and still!


So there I was again, having fun with good friends, enjoying the pleasant company of that beautiful family, sharing their food and wine and stories around the table at meals, losing my bikini and contact lens whenever plunging into the river from this huge cliff (beware of my dramatism, reader) and talking as if there was no tomorrow, trying to update six months of distance and carry on friendship in its new version.


After a first full day, I was sprawling on the couch, looking at the pictures I had taken with my friends by the river, with all the sexy-calendar-bikini-style poses whe are capable of to amuse the newly-arrived emigrants and families on holidays; when this tiny wrinckled woman wrapped in black thick clothes entered the house. It was my friend's grandmother, Micas. And she looked at me as I did at her: curious. I couldn't resist her! So I stood up to great her, leaving the bloody digital cool camera behind, and join all the family women at the table, listening to Micas' odd enchanting stories. She told about the misery and hunger she went through in her youth. She told about rats and snakes in the soup. She told about how naked we go nowadays and how much better that is than to go all covered and having the old ladies covering your legs with their scarves whenever you would kneel down in church. She told a whole lot of wonderful stories! Some exciting. Some uninteresting. All wonderful! She told them quietly, with no signs of sorrow or regrets or anger. She told them consistently and peacefully. And I listened as I would listen to my own grandmother when I was just a little girl (and sometimes still do...), admiring her completely for her knowledge on wisdom, not questioning a thing. Feeling hugged by the words. And I got myself intensely wishing one day to become like her. That is what I want to be when I grow up. when I grow old. I want to be just that: old.


I wish to grow old. Very old! I wish to have my face covered by the wrinkles that will map my full life. My time turned into space. I wish to tell my grandchildren and their friends my wonderful stories, hoping to touch their hearts the same way Micas touched mine. A bit more placidly after each of life's whirlwind. Until my eyes close and I rest in peace.

Today, I got a couple of wrinckles more... I hope I still have a long way till I finally rest, but I am surely sleeping with a smile, deepening those beautiful furrows. Cherishing the love in my life. Growing old. At last! :)